either over msn or blogger.
okay whatever.
don't rly feel like going online these daysD:
idk but it's like, gah.
stuff pestering me like flies to a carcass.
feel like a cat with an itchy spot she can't get at.
wildcat pacing it's enclosure.
yeah, restless, that's it.
seems to be so much caught up in me that well it's a miracle i can still function properly.
try to do some work but there's this emotion/force in me that somehow refuses to co-operate.
"may the force be with you"
right.
worst thing is that i can't pinpoint what's the root of this evil.
maybe it's like homework.
small bits of loose worksheets left unnoticed & undone. one day you find yourself buried in an avalanche.
desperately long for someone to unload on but then i don't want to burden others.
and hence i end up gnawing at myself.
now i feel so weak that i wish i could leave this sort of life.
perhaps one day soon i'll snap and ooh, won't that be fun to watch.
most of the time i am an enigma to myself.
i feel strangely detatched.
well why do we study so?
for our parents?
or for ourselves?
for our future?
for a future so very dark and dreary?
for a lifetime of well-paying desk-jobs?
for an eternity of being bound by social expectations?
perhaps for a life you don't even want to lead.
or just to, perhaps let your parents rest easy with the deluded mindset that with top scores their child would be able to lead a happy life.
sometimes stuff gets so tangled that i don't know what's to live for.
you say that i've changed:
and i've no stand on that.
and anyway, who are you to say that.
you have your pretty, merry little world.
you have and i feel distanced.
nothing's working out yet.
nothing yet will work out.
perhaps this is the rootless evil taking words:
who's this over here?
go on and mock my hopes:
why should i even have the luxury of feelings.
don't feel nothing in me.
hate the way you are.
hate the way i am more.
disgusted and - oh god, you're so pathetic.
silence derived from tension
silence crackling with static
slience so palpable i could rub it between my fingers.
don't want you to leave me alone
neither do i want you to care
see what i mean?
i'm screwed and it's none of your business.
what do you mean it's none of your business - after all -
long distance phone call static replaced by concern
i can't answer to
i don't want to study anymoreD:
& yes i am a lifeless loser happy? ):