i'd really have loved to speak to you all about it but i couldn't. because i don't know what it is myself & i couldn't find the words to elucidate. besides: you all had your own troubles & i really don't want to burden you all more.
just the simple thereness you all emit - by just being there - is really more than enough. i'm really, really touched to know that you all will be there even if there's no one else in anglican(:
i couldn't have wished for better people to make music & spend my four years in anglican with.

i suppose i owe explanations, or at least a vague defination.
it's not fully because of my results (though they are dismal). i guess it's trillions of (perhaps not so) little things that just built up over time. the results just tipped it, i guess.
sometimes i feel disarranged, totally out of sync, like i don't belong in myself.
i'm afraid of many things; like perhaps dropping to the express stream.
i want to stay where i am, cos it's what i am: special.

i know it's been pretty obvious that i've been less peppy recently & i suppose you all could sense it coming.

i don't want to think about the (or more specifically my) future, 'cos it's plain disheartening.

i know the time will come when i'll look back on my anglican days & miss all of you & our antics & everything else i can remember about us. i know i should treasure how i can still laugh & run about under the sun with you people & talk about stupid things like - oh, i don't know. 'cos i know that the day will come when we go our separate ways & perhaps never see each other so often again. then maybe the distance may plant seeds or awkardness between us, so when we do see each other, nothing's the same again. 'cos i know that the day will come when we're too old - or grown up - to be able to play around at childish games and not care about how others view us so much. 'cos i know that they day will come when we won't be able to laugh like we do now: vibrant, optimistic, ever so slightly crazy, full of hopes for the future laid out before us. 'cos i know that the day will come when we won't be able to call each other retards or behave like mentally unsound people or run around poking each other or give each other silly names & use them for the whole of half an hour before forgetting them again & laugh because of that, just 'cos it's not right.
then these days we're living will just be a memory of the old (yellowish & faded, perhaps), to be looked upon with nostalgia and the weary smiles of adults.

fourteen isn't that young an age - in less than ten years we'll be official adults, & things just won't be the same.

so i guess the only thing to do is enjoy while you can, & try not to be sad so much.

you all are right.

thanks for everything (:

+smiles for everyone i love+ ...