and i'm fcuking losing myself right here. now.
but i don't care, i'll always get over it eventually.
i haven't sworn for a long time, and this feels fucking good. thank you.
and sorry if i ever ruined your impression of me.
and the sad truth is, i don't give a flying fuck about that right now.
i don't know what's happenning, i haven't felt this freaking sensation before. it's not good, yet it's exhilerating. doing whatever your reckless self asks you to, without ever thinking about the consequences. hell yeah, i'm having the fucking time of my life right now.
and the fact that my fingers are numb, numb, numb, i can't feel properly, i can't think straight, but i haven't had any cafffeine or anything, no no i haven't. i still don't know whats happening to me but who cares. and i'm shaking from time to time, it starts in a part of me and spreads like an influenza in a town.
i shall probably come to regret this all in time to come, but then again its time to come and not time happening now.
maybe im posessed, i think not.
but its alright, alright alright alright.
and this shall mark a period in my life, for a reason i know not and do not care to decipher.
this matter's private, the other matter's less private.
i don't know whats happening.
and you know i'm tearing as i type, but i swear i just laughed just now.
and i was laughing as i did them all, until i cried.
and i sound crazy, deranged, insane, unsound, but who the fuck actually cares.
go on, stay away from me if you will.
i'm diseased, and i don't care.
i swear, i am fucking going crazy.
what's there to laugh about? losses and pain and emptiness,
that shall soon be filled again.
and fuck, why am i doing this.
i must have scared so many people, i'm really sorry. sorry sorry sorry sorry,
i wonder if i shall be normal tomorrow, i wonder if i won't.
but all i know is that there'll be way lesser things on my mind.
and then time will pass like it always fucking does and wounds will heal, which reminds me -
fuck.
i wonder if you'll be reading this, i don't care if you won't be. perhaps you left by the end of the first few lines, who should know?
well at least know that you made me heart melt too fucking often. at least know that you were special.
and the empty shell of the memories and my now dashed hopes got me through everything,
but who says i can't do without.
and you know, i always wanted to forget you. (after everything crash landed)
in peace.
i'm glad i can do so now, but tonight will be a difficult, difficult night.
a goodbye, adressed thither.
because, there simply, isnt anything, left, to say to you.
because i thought so, so very wrongly.
and tomorrow will the the first day or the rest of this existence, and you know what, i never expected to be where i am right now doing what i am right now.
and liying, you, just, had, to , fucking, ruin, every, single, bloody, thing.
but that was so very long ago, what am i talking about.
right, i will be liying tomorrow, and i'll be weird being this liying minus, but i will fucking do it.
and yes, i have no ability to discern the real from the surreal currently, but heck.
this whole thing seems like a ghastly nightmare, if you ask for my opinion.
fuck, why'd it all happen.
that's beside the point, but where's the fucking point in all this mess any way.
i look, feel, and think like a mess.
i feel like a hurricane-wrecked land.
i could feel it coming, building, growing on me,
but i chose to ignore it,
and i don't know how i feel about that desicion.
it's all, all, over, now.
(even though my heart cries out against it all)
liying will be strong again, when she regains her composure.
liying will be strong.
now that it's over, all that's left is for you to be strong.
thank you, good-bye.